I’ve been thinking a lot this week about why an increasing number of men feel that they need to control their world in order to be a success. When this need becomes excessive, they may resort to spousal abuse to convince themselves of their masculinity and self worth. Could it be because we, as a society, have not modernized their upbringing as we have their sisters’ and daughters’?
In the last few years we in the USA have concentrated on training our daughters to take charge of their lives. To be assertive. Telling them they can be anything they want to be: A wife and mother and a career woman who follows her dreams and fulfills her needs. We emphasize that she needs a network to succeed, in the work place and in her social life. In other words, team work.
The business world, especially in the computer industry and the scientific community, emphasizes team work. As do the pro teams in sports. The Nobel Prize is often awarded to teams of men or women, maybe from different companies and countries who have worked together to accomplish a breakthrough.
Yet, we still champion our boys who are the stars on a football or basketball team, and push others to become dominant leaders in a work society where working in teams is becoming prevalent. In our high tech world, it is impossible for one person to “do all.” We compliment them for leadership and ignore their need to become successful team members.
Our sons won’t stop having dreams, just accomplish them in a different way. Fulfill them by becoming the team member who is always there to help the others, who volunteers to stay late so another can go home and celebrate a child’s birthday, or who takes a member’s idea and fleshes it out for success, but gives credit to the team, not taking it all for himself. A team member who is reconized for his contribution.
Let’s don’t forget the “training” our sons get from their peers who have been brought up differently than they were. In our global society, we can’t ignore others’ customs and values. It’s imperative that we accept them, whether we agree or not.
We must bring up our children, both male and female, to accept others as they are, work with them as a team member with each contributing his or her best. That said, we must also set an example and do the same for our own peers. We must accept our children for who they are. You can guide them in their choice of a career, but you should never force them into one which you have chosen but which they would not.
What are your thoughts? E mail me at clw@clwoodhams.com or comment on, or respond to. this post.
Peace,
C. L. Woodhams
Author, The Outreach Committee
They say that the man who abuses his partner is seeking control. Why does his definition of control include the right to physically, emotionally and financially abuse the person he abuses?
I think it is because he is so insecure and self-centered that he feels threatened if any part of his world is not arranged by him and exactly as he envisions it should be..
The abuser has been brought up without the interaction with others that could teach him that shared control is relaxing and invigorating. He has not been successful in gaining friends. Perhaps he has been abused as a child and grows up thinking that violence is the norm in family relationships.
The abuser may be fearful of the world around him, such as his workplace, so he overreacts when he gets home. He thinks it is the one spot in his world where he can dictate his wishes and have them fulfilled. He doesn’t realize that his abuse will drive his family away. When it does, he becomes more violent.
The abuser thinks of his partner as a horse he is riding. All he has to do is get out his whip to control her. Horses rebel against a rider who pains them, just as an abuser’s spouse will in time.
Why do you think your partner insists on controlling you? Is it something you can change? If not, BREAK FREE. Make your plan, gather your family information, call the police if necessary, and break free.
I love hearing from you who break free. A new world is opening up to you. Please don’t be tempted to go back to his control. Control your own life instead. You can, and you will.
Peace
C. L. Woodhams
Author, The Outreach Committee
In Yonkers, NY, a six weeks old kitten was thrown out a third story window by her owner’s abusive ex boyfriend. Precious used up one of her nine lives, but landed on her feet with only an injury to her mouth. She’s home again. A warrant has been issued for the ex boyfriend on charges of domestic violence and animal cruelty.
Law officials tell us that it is not unusual to have animals injured during a domestic dispute. Abused women naturally turn to their pets for comfort after physical abuse, thus offending the abuser even more. In order to regain control, he may abuse or even kill the pet.
Sensing this, many abused women do not attempt to break free unless they can take their pets with them. Sheltering organizations for the abused, recognizing this reluctance to leave a pet behind, are building animal boarding facilities near their shelters for the women.
This is another advance in the care of abused women. If only it was not necessary to shelter them. If only we could recognize the potential of abuse in a man and treat him before he harms his family.
Did you break free and take your pet with you? How did you manage it? Let us know by responding to or commenting on this post or by email to clw@clwoodhams.com. We need to hear from you so others can benefit from your experience.
Peace,
C. L. Woodhams
Author: The Outreach Committee and Sweet Justice
Many abused women refuse to file charges against their abusers, even when the police have intervened. Even when they are badly hurt. Why? They fear for their lives, or their children’s lives.
In most cities, chances are if the abuser is arrested, he will be released to await trial at home where he will continue to hit her. An injunction against him has little effect in keeping him away from her. In fact, it may increase his anger to a murderous level.
In East St. Louis, IL prosecutors refuse to let an abuser go free even if his victim is afraid to file charges. Recognizing that if he hits you today, he will do it again tomorrow, the prosecutor files for her.
It is encouraging that law enforcement recognizes the unique aspects of domestic violence crimes. And the vulnerability of its victims. We praise the prosecutors of East St. Louis and wish other cities and towns would follow suit in protecting the abused.
What are your thoughts? Comment on or reply to this post or send an e mail to clw@clwoodhams.com.
Peace,
C. L. Woodhams
Author, The Outreach Committee
The Violence Against Women Act first appeared in 1994 and was a major step towards making the general public aware of the incidence of abuse against women. Until that time, women who were abused were often forced, for economic and cultural reasons, to stay with their abuser. Society often ignored her or blamed her for the abuse she suffered.
In early March, 2013, the new improved version of this act was approved by the US Senate and House of Representatives and Signed by President Obama. The act authorizes the expenditure of $660 million in aid to the states that provide legal assistance, transitional housing, counseling and support for hot lines to victims of domestic abuse. It also aids women who have been raped.
This act does more that authorize aid to abuse victims. It de-stigmatizes them, making it okay for us as a society to talk about domestic abuse, instead of treating it as a family secret. Victims understand that they are not alone and should not be shamed by their predicament. It gives these women a place to go.
But the act goes farther than that. It has been expanded, offering its protection to gays, lesbians, Native Americans and foreign nationals. It also provides support for updated arrest and enforcement policies and appoints special advocates for the abused.
Is the act needed? Yes. Today, in the United States alone, one in three women is likely to suffer domestic violence in her lifetime. Until that number drops to zero, we have to remain diligent.
Some might say that the government has no business delving into private lives. But we have to recognize that the abuse of women is a blight on all societies and should not be tolerated.
What are your thoughts? We’d love to hear from you in a reply to, or comment on, this post or in an e mail to clw@clwoodhams.com
Peace, C. L. Woodhams
Author, The Outreach Committee
All of us who want to stop spousal or partnership abuse are constantly looking for parallels in the reported and analyzed cases. The man who abuses may be quite outgoing in public and deathly controlling in his private life. The woman may also have two lives: talented and successful in her work and emotionally, verbally and physically abused at home. The abuse may be one factor behind her drive to succeed in her career outside the home.
We need to be able to identify both the abused and the abuser because both need help. But, I will limit this discussion to identifying an abused woman so that she may be offered help.
At one time it was expected that the woman who was beaten down by constant spousal verbal, emotional or physical abuse was poor, not too intelligent, held menial jobs. This has proven to be untrue. In fact women who are the opposite of this stereotype may be abused, too.
A battered woman may be intelligent, rich, talented and still in a relationship with a man who hits her physically, plays emotionally draining games with her or verbally berates her. Looking at her, you wouldn’t know she was being abused, unless the scarf she’d draped to cover a bruise slips to reveal it.
I suggest you look for the following if you suspect a woman is being abused:
• She seldom talks about her husband in a loving way
• She’s never available for a girls night out
• Her vacations are always what her husband wants to do, not what she wants to do.
• She always has to hurry home from work
• She mentions that she talks with her husband on the phone all the way home from work
• She doesn’t accept invitations from her friends, with or without him.
• She says she and her husband have never spent a night apart.
• Her husband chooses all her clothes. She never shops alone or with her girlfriends.
• She’s often upset after talking with him on the phone while at work.
• He doesn’t attend after hours work functions with her and won’t permit her to attend.
• Her posture may be stiff, her walk a limp, or her speech slower than usual.
• She jumps when a kind hand is placed on her arm
• She wears long sleeves even on the hottest days
• She displays bruises
• When she smiles, her eyes remain solemn
Once you have identified a woman whom you suspect is abused, tread lightly. Lead the discussion to your work with shelters, friends who have been abused, etc. to open the conversation. Recognize that an abused woman is adept at devising reasons she should stay in the abusing relationship. But be persistent if you suspect abuse. She needs friends who care enough to find her the help she needs. It may save her life.
I’m sure some of you who are reading this have identified and helped an abused woman and can add to this list. I hope you will do so. Write and tell us. You may reply to or comment on this post or e mail me at clw@clwoodhams.com. We need to hear from you.
Peace
C. L. Woodhams, author
The Outreach Committee
I don’t know who I am.
I grew up a timid girl. I had friends, girl friends, but I was too shy to talk to boys.
I went to ball games and parties with lots of my friends but never on a date.
Then I met Henry. He was popular with everyone. Always good for a laugh, to play a game or just hang out.
I thought he was the man I’d dreamed about all my life.
A knight who would sweep me off my feet and carry me off to his castle to live happily ever after.
I couldn’t believe my luck when he asked me out.
My girl friends all envied me.
He took me to places where we could be alone. He said I was his girl. I felt loved.
He told me what to wear, how to think. I thought he was masterful.
He was friendly to my parents when I took him to meet them. They liked him.
Afterwards he told me they were shallow, not his kind. We shouldn’t go see them. They were a bad influence on me.
When my friends invited us to parties, he said he didn’t like them. They were silly, immature. He wouldn’t go.
I said I’d go without him. He swore at me. Said I didn’t respect his opinions. I declined the invitations. My friends stopped asking us.
He told me he was the best thing that had ever happened to me. I believed him.
He asked me to elope with him to the Caribbean. I said yes.
I felt sad my family and friends wouldn’t be there, but he would, and that was the important thing.
Henry changed after we married. Became perpetually unhappy with me. Insisted on controlling everything I did. Followed me when I left the house.
He took over our finances. Gave me a small allowance. Said I didn’t know anything about money even though I had a good job as a bookkeeper.
He told me I was ugly, incompetent, stupid, a poor lover. Made jokes about me in front of his friends.
When he insisted we have children, I hesitated. Was I competent enough to be a parent? Could I work and be a mother at the same time?
He flushed away my birth control pills. I became pregnant shortly after.
When our daughter was born, he told me it was my fault he hadn’t gotten the son he wanted.
When I was getting ready to go back to work, Henry called my boss and resigned my job for me. Told him I was suffering post partum depression.
A year later our son was born. Henry complained I didn’t pay enough attention to his needs, always put the children first.
I don’t know when Henry started hitting me. It wasn’t long after we married. He said it was my fault because I didn’t do what he told me—even when he hadn’t told me anything.
Now, when I see my friends in the supermarket, I see pity in their eyes as they take in my bruises, sloppy clothes, and dirty, unkempt hair.
They don’t envy me anymore.
I know that my name is Shelley and that I’m married to Henry. I live at 502 Curtis Street. And that I hurt all the time.
I feel hopeless and helpless.
I wish I were dead
I wish Henry were dead.
Who am I?
I’m an abused woman.
Were you abused by your spouse? Does this personal essay reflect your life? How did you escape your abusive relationship? We’d like to hear from you. Please comment on or reply to this post or e mail me at clw@clwoodhams.com
Peace,
C. L. Woodhams
Author, The Outreach Committee, and Sweet Justice.
